From a Dark Place
by The Ret
Summary: Beckett is abducted and tortured for the whereabouts of Montgomery's files. Castle and the gang find her in time and all is well... or is it? Can Castle help her recover? Will Kate allow herself to accept his support? ****** Caskett. Warning: Story contains mature themes, violence, mentions of rape etc. Not for the kiddies. Updated 1 Nov
1. Chapter 1

February

The flashing lights of the police cruisers blurred eerily in the rain soaked windscreen of the squad car. Castle braced himself against the front seat as it screeched to an abrupt stop.

"This is it." Esposito turned and nodded to Castle. "You okay bro?"

"I'm fine." Castle struggled to keep his voice calm as he threw open the back door. "Lets get in there… Now!"

"Okay you follow us in, but stay behind me. No heroics, no rash moves. You know the drill."

Castle could only grunt in acknowledgement, unsure if his vocal chords would even function at the moment. Both anticipation and dread warred in his veins and he had trouble standing still. This could be it – she could be here! But if she were would she be alive? Could this be the wrong place? Had they gotten here too late?

"We'll get her Castle. It's going to be okay."

RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK

The hallway was narrow and dark. A musty smell was thick in the air and Castle fought the urge to vomit. With every door kicked open by Ryan and Esposito, every empty room, Castle felt himself die a bit more inside. She was not here.

"Hey! Hold up a second!" Ryan raised his hand and stopped suddenly, causing Esposito and Castle to crash into his back like falling dominoes. "I think I hear something!"

Castle held his breath as the team halted, scarcely breathing. Faint cries could be heard coming from the back of the abandoned warehouse. A door rattled and a female voice yelled something unintelligible but it sounded like heaven to Castle.

"Beckett! KATE!" he took off at a run with Ryan and Esposito hot on his heels, all self-preservation instincts forgotten. She was inside, he could hear her, she was going to be okay…

RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK

After repeated kicks the door finally gave way….there she stood. Alive and whole before him. Castle released the breath he hadn't realized he had been holding and enveloped her in a fierce hug.

"Kate" he breathed "Oh thank god!"

She was battered and bruised, pale and shaken, with a deep cut to her left wrist that was bleeding profusely, but she was alive. Castle had never felt more relieved, overcome with gratitude for a god that he didn't really believe in.

"Beckett." Ryan stepped in next to him. "Are you hurt? Medics are on their way."

"I'm okay. Just my wrist." Her hand shook as turned her forearm to inspect the cut. "It wont stop."

"Bus is on its way. They can patch you up at the hospital."

Kate nodded numbly, staring past him into the empty hallway. "Did you catch them?"

"No." Esposito replied softly. "But we will."

"How did you find me?" Kate queried hesitantly, eyes flicking to the door and back as though she were fearful her captors would return.

"Long story. We've had a busy couple of days. Fill you in later."

Kate nodded again, a haunted look in her eyes. Her lip quivered and she tilted her head, hiding her face underneath her matted hair. Castle had never seen her look so small and fragile before, so defeated and lost and it unnerved him.

"Kate?" Castle took her hand apprehensively and felt it trembling. "Kate?... What happened to you?"

"Nothing Castle. I'm fine." She stared at the dirty concrete floor and would not meet his eyes. "I just need to get out of here." Her voice became almost a whisper. "Just get me out of here….."

"Of course. As soon as the medics arrive." He still held her hand and gave it a light reassuring squeeze, causing her to wince.

"Sorry. I forgot about your wrist." Castle turned her hand over to inspect the damage. "When did this happen?"

"Yesterday." She breathed. "Bastard cut me. I couldn't… I couldn't stop it." Her voice was breaking and she tossed her head angrily, as though she might be able to reject her weak emotions. The room was beginning to spin and she staggered.

Ryan and Castle grabbed her arms and led her over to the other wall of the room where a dirty mattress lay on the floor, easing her down to sit on its edge.

"Kate?" Castle eyed her searchingly. "You feeling sick?"

"Just a little. I'll be okay in a minute." She leaned forward into her knees, breathing heavily and clutching her stomach in obvious pain.

Castle squatted down next to her, concerned. "Kate?" He moved to sit down next to her, placing his hand on the mattress but withdrew it quickly.

"Blood?" Castle studied the mattress in the dim light. A large pool of blood lay in the centre of it and he felt his stomach turn. He glanced up at Ryan questioningly.

"My wrist has been bleeding since yesterday." Kate glanced towards the mattress. "I couldn't staunch the blood. I didn't think…"

"Beckett!" Esposito called from the hallway. "Medics are here."

"Think you can stand up?" Castle offered her his hand.

"Yes Castle I already told you. I'm fine".

Pushing his hand away, Kate stood gingerly and moved towards the door. Every step was pure torture, but she did her best to hide the pain, desperate not to look weak in front of her friends.

The medic pushed the door open with a bang and Kate jumped backwards, unnerved. Waves of nausea rose within her and she felt her knees giving way.

"Kate? KATE!" Castle grabbed her shoulders, arresting her fall as she collapsed onto the floor.

"Kate? Can you hear me?"

"Beckett? What?"

Placing one arm under her arms and the other behind her knees Castle hurriedly hoisted her onto an awaiting gurney. The medics flew into action, pushing Castle and Ryan out of their way. Esposito hearing the commotion had entered the room, and gaped at Castle alarmed.

"What happened?"

"She fainted. I think that..."

"No. I mean you're shirt." Esposito pointed to the sleeve of Castles shirt. Where once had been white the shirt was now heavily stained with blood. Beckett's blood- they both realized simultaneously. Castle gawked at him in horror before chasing the medics, who were now on the move, down the dank hallway.

"I'm her partner! I'm coming too." He hoisted himself into the back of the ambulance just as they were shutting the door. Castle didn't feel the need to explain that he was only her "work" partner and neither of the medics seemed interested.

The drugs and oxygen mask were having their desired effect and Kate began to stir on the stretcher.

"Castle?"

"I'm right here Kate." He took her uninjured hand in his and held it gently.

One of the medics unbuttoned the fly of Kate's dark trousers and flinched violently, sliding her hand from Castle's in an attempt to slap the medics hand away.

"Kate… there's blood all over the back of your trousers." He glanced down at his stained sleeve. "Did they cut you anywhere other than your wrist?"

Kate bit her lip and shook her head slowly, fighting back tears as Castle's trepidation grew.

"Did they hurt you?"

Kate remained silent, staring down at the blanket covering her.

"You need to tell us Kate. You know I would never think any less of you. No one would." He grasped her hand again, stroking it tenderly. "What did they do to you?"

She had squeezed her eyes shut, biting her lip and shaking her head. "Just leave it Castle… leave it."

"They raped you didn't they?" Castle asked quietly.

Kate was silent for a moment, frozen, before she nodded. The tears spilled over and she shook as her body was racked with sobs. Castle held her hand a little tighter, gently brushing the loose curls off her tear streaked face.

"It's okay Kate. You can get through this. It's okay…"

RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK

Castle sat alone in the hospital waiting room he had been ushered to, immersed in his own private cocoon of gloom. Ryan, Esposito and Lanie had arrived at the ER within seconds of each other and he stood up as he noticed their approach.

"Hey how is she?" Esposito's face was grim.

"She's in surgery. I don't know how long…"

"SURGERY?" Lanie and Esposito both exclaimed in unison.

"What the hell happened?" Lanie demanded.

"Uh. There was a lot of blood." Castle stammered. "When they tried to examine her, she hemorrhaged and they took her upstairs." Castle sounded totally defeated. "I told them to get a kit." He couldn't bring himself to actually say the word.

"WHAT?" Lanie couldn't believe her ears. "A kit? Oh my god." She clapped her hand over her mouth and stared at Castle in horror. "Oh my god. Kate…"

"Is she gonna be okay?" Esposito enquired quietly, recognizing that Castle was ready to break at any second.

"Why didn't you tell me this on the phone?" Lanie screeched at Esposito. "I could have been down here sooner!"

"I would have if I…."

"Kate Beckett." A doctor in scrubs approached them. "Are you the family of Kate Beckett?"

"I'm her partner." Castle could get quite used to using that title.

"Oh. Okay then. Kate's going to be fine. She's out of surgery. There were some serious internal lacerations but we've repaired the damage and she should be just fine in a couple of weeks."

"Thank god." Castle sat back in the plastic chair allowing his head to tip backwards against the wall. "Thank god."

RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK

"Hey." Castle entered the small ward, pleasantly surprised to see Beckett sitting up and awake in her bed, chatting with Lanie.

"Hey yourself." She smiled at him, but he didn't fail to notice that the smile did not reach her eyes.

"How are you feeling?"

"Fine Castle. I'm fine. I've just been chatting with Lanie here about when I can go home." Her voice was flat and lifeless.

"Home? Kate you've just had surgery."

"That's what I keep telling her!" Lanie chimed in. "Maybe she will listen to you."

"I had surgery yesterday. I'm fine Castle. I just want to go home."

Castle shook his head ignoring the petulant look in her eyes. "You know its not up to me, but Kate, you were raped and…"

"Please DON'T use that word!" Kate spat back at him, shuddering. She shut her eyes and breathed deeply, as if to compose herself.

"Who else knows?" she demanded through gritted teeth, glaring at Castle.

"Only me, the boys and Lanie." Castle nodded in Lanie's direction. "Oh and Gates I guess, from the report." He shook his head slightly. "Don't worry about it."

"Don't worry about it?" Kate's voice rose abruptly. "How the hell can you say that? If I couldn't protect myself who's going to trust me on the street?"

"Kate!"

"DON'T! Don't try to pretend you could possibly understand. Because you don't."

"No." Castle conceded. "You're right. I don't understand it. But Espo and Ryan- they'll keep it to themselves- and Gates, she wont tell anyone. You know she rules 'by the book'. Only the people who care about you know. And we're here for you Kate. All of us.."

RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK

Castle left Beckett and Lanie a few minutes later, Kate demanding to be alone and rest. Castle sensed her pulling away from him and felt powerless to help her. Her behavior frustrated him. Two men had attacked her, kept her confined for two days, stabbed and raped her. How could she feel as though it was due to her own weakness?

Castle was absorbed in his own thoughts and did not notice the young dark haired doctor heading towards him.

"You." He scoffed. "I might have known…"

"Josh...?" Castle was caught momentarily off guard. "I…"

"I might have known that if Kate was injured you would be involved! How could you let this happen to her? First shot, now… now this!"

RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK

"Dad?"

Alexis bounded down the stairs upon hearing Castle enter the loft.

"Dad!. You found her. I told you you could! You did it! So what happened, I mean, is she okay…?"

Castle found himself slightly overwhelmed by her teenage exuberance. He sighed, unsure of exactly how much he should tell her.

"Kate's in the hospital. She's had surgery and she was badly beaten.."

"But she's gonna be okay?"

"Yes. I'm…"

"RICHARD!"

"Mother…"

"I thought I could her you two talking down here. So how is our girl? When will…"

Martha was interrupted by Alexis's mobile ringing. "Gotta go – that's Ashley."

Alexis turned and ascended the stairs, mobile in hand, talking incessantly. Castle watched her disappear into her room, sadness filling the pit of his stomach. To Castle she was still a child, a child who loved to laugh and dream and believed the world was still a safe place to live. Castle would hate to see the day that her youthful innocence was shattered.

"So details Richard. How is she? When will she be visiting?"

"She's in the hospital. Had surgery last night. I'm not sure when she will be released." Castle sounded flat and defeated.

"Surgery? But..? She's okay isn't she." Martha studied her son carefully. He looked so desolate and exhausted. She could tell he was holding back.

"Richard…?"

"It's… It's bad Mother. The two guys that held her. They…. She was… raped."

"But…" Martha stared at him in horror, her eyebrows rising to her hairline. "You found her…? Were you too late? Oh Kate."

Castle felt the sudden urge to smash something, but settled for kicking a barstool out of the way as he leaned over the counter, burying his face in his hands.

"Yes we were too late." He stammered. "_I_ was too late."

"Oh Richard.. I didn't mean.."

He shook his head numbly. "I know. I should have…. I just can't believe this could…." He struggled to find the words as his emotions overwhelmed him.

"Now I….. She barely even looks at me. " The words came jumbling out. "I couldn't protect her. I just really really wanted to protect her. " His voice broke and he returned his face to his hands. "Oh god Kate…."

RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK

To be continued…..


	2. Chapter 2

Authors note:

I've had a couple of reviewers asking me when this story is set. I would say that its somewhere between "47 seconds" and "Always".

From a Dark Place

Chapter 2

May

"Hey. Beckett!" Ryan's face broke into a broad grin. "Didn't realize you were back this week? How ya feeling?"

"Bored. Frustrated, anxious to work and just….. bored."

"I feel your pain.. When I broke my leg I was housebound for 7 weeks and I…."

"Detective Beckett. My office please." Gates's commanding voice echoed across the precinct, cutting him off.

"Oh." Was all Kate could say, getting to her feet.

"Good luck!" Ryan whispered to her sympathetically. He knew Beckett and Gates closed door meetings could become somewhat explosive.

"So…." Gates studied Beckett's personnel file intently. "Six weeks recuperation and you have been cleared for active duty…. Do you think six weeks is really enough?" Gates raised her eyebrows at Kate over her glasses.

"Yes Sir. I've passed my medicals and I just want to get back to it."

"What about the psych debriefing?"

"Sir?"

"Listen Kate. You were shot last year, almost died. Then you were suspended… now this. Are you really sure you are ready for this? You're one of my best detectives but I don't want you hurt again…"

"I'm ready Sir. I feel fine. I wanna be back here." Kate's reply was firm.

"Okay then. But take it easy. Neither of us want any more drama… You understand me?"

"Yes Sir."

"Good. Now where is that annoying sidekick of yours."

"Castle? I don't know. Haven't seen him lately."

"Well get him back in here to work with you. Make it a condition of your return to active duty…"

"Sir?" Kate was confused. "You want Castle back in the precinct? But..?"

"I don't want you doing anything stupid. You seem to act less rashly when he is around and whether you like it or not, he has your back."

"But Sir…I."

"Have you got some work to do Detective Beckett?" Gates closed Kate's file and glared at her across the desk. "Well.. If you want to be back here – get to it then." Gates looked pointedly toward her office door.

"Um. Yes Sir, I will Sir."

RKRKRKRKRK

"Beckett?"

"Hey Castle. I'm Uh.. I'm back at work today… I just started today I mean. I was wondering if you were interested… I mean you don't have to. But I would like you to.. I mean.." Kate stammered into the phone. In truth she was still feeling exceedingly guilty for shutting Castle out of her life again. After her attack she had felt so weak and pathetic and couldn't bear the thought of any of her friends seeing her like that. She detested the pitying looks in their eyes and the low voices. She hated to look weak. Appearing weak after being so severely violated was her worst fears combined.

"You want me to come back?" Castle sounded surprisingly enthusiastic. "Of course Beckett. I'm your partner remember? I'd love to come back."

"Great." Kate was genuinely relieved. "I'm at the office now. The boys are here too. I'm sure they'd love to see you."

RKRKRKRKRKRKRK

July

Kate sat at her desk gazing off into space across the precinct as Castle and Esposito bickered loudly over the murder board.

"You know if you were correct.. then our suspect would not have had time to get that far across town. Beckett and I drove there twice." Castle tapped on his wristwatch. "35 minutes each way. Beckett. BECKETT!"

Kate was completely unaware that someone was calling her name.

"Hey Beckett!." Ryan stepped from behind Kate and tapped her on the shoulder lightly. "Castle was…." But Ryan stopped. Kate had basically jumped off the desk and whirled to face him, immobilized and wide eyed with fear.

"What?"

"Hey. It's okay Beckett." Ryan moved to approach her again. "Castle was…"

"DON'T touch me." Kate stepped backwards, retreating into the desk. Ryan threw an appalled glance at Castle, unsure of how to proceed.

"Beckett?"

Kate stood with her back to the three of them, her shoulders shook and Castle could tell she was fighting to compose herself. She eventually turned to face him.

"Yeah Castle?"

"Are you okay..? You looked like you were miles away." Castle attempted a grin, trying to diffuse the situation by distracting her. "Somewhere else the lady would rather be?"

"Yes. Home asleep. Alone. " Kate picked up her jacket and handbag and stormed out of the precinct.

"What's up with her?" Ryan glanced at Castle curiously, as though he was the 'Beckett expert'.

"No idea… But she's definitely not been herself these days. You two must have seen it."

"She looks sick all the time, and tired. She almost bit my head off yesterday over nothing." Esposito shrugged at Ryan apologetically. "It's not just you bro. It's everyone."

"I'll go check on her later."

"Want backup?" Ryan grinned and offered Castle a bullet resistant vest.

RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK

"Beckett?" Castle banged loudly on the door of her apartment. "Kate I know you're in there."

"Go away Castle. Leave me, please. I just want to be alone." It did not escape Castle's notice that Kate's words were slightly slurred and she sounded as though she had been crying.

"Beckett let me in or I'll use my key. Are you dressed?"

The door opened a crack and she peeked out at him.

"What key?"

Castle put his foot in the door so she could not close it.

"The one you're going to give me? Maybe?"

"Just go away Castle. I just want….."

"Please Kate. Can I come in, just for a minute? I just needed to make sure you were okay." Castle's expression was full of concern and she sighed, feeling guilty again, and stepped back from the door, allowing him access.

"Suit yourself then."

Castle followed her into the apartment, closing the door quietly behind him.

"Look Kate I…." Castle froze, taking in his surroundings. The once tidy apartment was now strewn empty bottles. Lots of empty bottles. There were bottles on the sink, the floor and piled next to the front door. Broken glass lay on the floor in the pantry and in the drain. Castle could not believe he had missed it for so long.

"Beckett what?" He gestured at his surroundings.

"Oh get over it Castle. I'm old enough."

"How much have you had tonight?"

"Apparently not enough." Kate goaded, picking up her glass. "Want some?"

Castle shook his head. "Don't do this to yourself Kate. You know better than this." His voice was caring, sincere and without judgment. Kate felt tears welling in her eyes and it made her angry. How could he just waltz in here and get under her skin like that. She was trying so hard not to be weak and yet just a few words from him could make her teary. Keeping up the daily façade was becoming tiring, no exhausting for her.

"Do what Castle? I'm fine! Get it? I'm FINE! I just needed to clear my head for a while."

"By clouding it with copious amounts of alcohol? C'mon Kate. You know as well as I do that it's not going to solve your problems… It won't help when…"

"For god's sake Castle. I don't have problems. I'm just….. fine!" Beckett's hand was trembling and she could feel the tears threatening to spill over. She was mad, furious even, and tired. She wanted Castle to leave, to get the hell out of her life and yet she wanted him to stay. Most of all, she hated him seeing her like this.

"Please leave Castle. Please… just get out!"

"And leave you here to drink yourself into a coma? You're not fine Kate. I can see it, anyone could see it. You're distracted at work, you avoid leaving the precinct whenever you can. You're exhausted and yet you never seem to be able to get any sleep. You hardly eat and you've lost so much weight." He shook his head at her sadly. "How are you really doing Kate? Look at yourself? How much weight have you lost?"

Kate stared at the carpet and Castle dared to take a step toward her, grasping her hand lightly. "What was that with Ryan this afternoon Kate? There was no reason to react that way? He was really upset."

"I know. I didn't mean it. I just… reacted." She shrugged and lifted her gaze, finally meeting Castle's eyes. "I'm sorry. I just needed to get out of there for a while. I'll apologize tomorrow." She bit her lip, "I didn't mean to upset anyone."

"I know Kate. It's okay." Castle grinned at her affectionately. "You need to lean on us sometimes you know? Let us help – everyone is here for you."

"I know."

Castle took another step forward, enveloping her in a loose bear hug. She stiffened, but did not pull away from his embrace.

"What's that smell?" He wrinkled his nose, perplexed. "You smell like….. disinfectant?"

Kate stepped back from him. "Oh I had a shower just before you arrived."

"In disinfectant…..? What the hell Kate? What are you doing to yourself?"

To be continued….


	3. Chapter 3

_So I finally got my act together to continue this story. Been finding it hard to get into the 'mood'. I read the other chapters I wrote first and OMG they are just crap. I did write them in a hurry but I didn't realize just how bad they are until today. With any luck I will get around the editing and rewriting them soon. Hopefully this is better!_

RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK

From a Dark Place

Chapter 3

August

"Detective Beckett. I have the paperwork here for your annual weapons 're-qual'. It seems you are two months overdue." Gates chastised.

"I shouldn't have to remind you of your responsibilities. You were given notice to re-qual two months ago."

"Sorry Sir." Beckett stammered. "It must have slipped my mind. I've been so busy with all this paperwork I didn't realize."

"Yes. I've noticed." Gates replied shortly. "You've barely left this office in weeks…. months even. I think its time you took a break."

"Sir?"

"A holiday Kate." Gates's voice softened. " Take some leave. You've been under a lot of stress lately, I know, and it's showing in your work. I don't want you burned out."

"I don't need a holiday Sir. What I need is for people to get off my back and let me do my job. I'm fine. I'll go to the range this afternoon and get the re-qual's done."

Beckett grabbed the offending paperwork from Gates's hand and slammed it down on the desk next to her causing Gates's temper to rise visibly.

"It's not just that Kate. Don't pretend you don't know what I'm referring to. I can't afford to have a detective on staff who refuses to leave the office. You were one of my best and now you may as well be a clerk." Gates's voice became icy. "Get your act together or get out."

RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK

Kate hovered at the door to the firing range, paperwork in hand. She took a number of deep breaths in an attempt to calm the nauseating nerves in her gut. Shooting had always been one of her strong points, yet now she could barely stomach the idea of drawing her weapon. What the hell had gotten into her?

Kate noticed Esposito at the tiny window of the entry door, gesturing to her to come in. She took her place at the line with an instructor, Esposito in the booth next to her.

Kate knew that Espo was not due for a re-qual, he was merely doing some range time for her benefit, providing her with some support and she was grateful for his presence.

"Alright Beckett. You know the drill. Targets turn three times, two shots in each turn, raise your non-shooting hand if you have any problems. Okay."

Kate nodded staring down range at her paper target.

"Okay. Draw and fire when ready."

Kate saw the flurry of movement at the end of the range as the targets all made their display in unison. Her hand flew to her holster, establishing grip, drawing and aiming the sights in record time. The gun felt cold and heavy in her hand. Cold and hard. She fought to control her aim as it began to waver, her hand beginning to shake violently as she stared at the top of the slide. The targets turned again, she'd missed her chance at a shot, and she found herself lowering her weapon in a sort of a daze, cradling its side in her palm. Kate stared at the weapon in her hand, the tenifer steel of the slide and barrel cold against her fingers. Icy waves of panic began to wash over her and she dropped the weapon from lifeless fingers, it clattering unceremoniously at her feet.

"Beckett?" The firearms instructor was at her side as she stepped back from the line wordlessly removing her safety glasses and hearing protection. Esposito had noticed the commotion in the lane to his left and holstered his weapon, removing his earmuffs as well.

"Beckett?"

Kate refused to face him.

"Beckett?... You okay?"

Esposito flashed a worried frown at he instructor as Beckett ran for the door.

RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK

Kate was at home doing laundry when Castle rapped on her door.

"So what happened at the range today. I heard you gave Espo quite a scare."

"Scare? Nothing happened. It's just the first time I have held a weapon in a while. I think I've lost my touch- need more practice, that's all."

"It didn't sound like nothing. Esposito called me. He was really worried about you. Hell… were all worried about you."

"I'm fine Castle. Seriously. Fine."

"Kate. Even the firearms instructor could see that you were not fine." He took her hand caringly, giving it a light squeeze. "You don't have to hide anything from me. We all want to help you Kate. You just have to let us."

Kate withdrew he hand and rubbed her palms over her face before pulling them down into fists at her sides in a gesture of frustration.

"Castle I'm FINE. Would you all just lay off for a while?"

RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK

August – Ryan's birthday bash at the "Old Haunt."

"Thanks for the ride 'writer-boy'." Lanie grinned as she maneuvered herself from the door of the Ferrari, taking Kate's hand for support as she stepped onto the sidewalk.

"No problem 'corpse-girl'." Castle smiled cheekily. "I get to escort two lovely ladies to one of the most classy establishments of the city, I'm…."

"Classy?" Kate snorted. "You call the 'Old Haunt' classy?"

Castle waved to Ryan, Jenny and Espo as they entered the jam-packed bar and Lanie jostled her way through the crowd to the crammed NYPD row of tables.

"Hey. How are you guys." Jenny beamed at Lanie and Kate. "Long time no see."

"Yeah It's been a while hasn't it." Kate smiled vacantly at Jenny as Castle left to buy some drinks. She nodded at a few other Detectives from the precinct who were joining their celebration.

"Have a seat." Jenny gestured to the crowded booth where Kevin, Javier and Reynolds, from the precinct, sat squashed against each other.

"I…" Kate eyed the crowded booth with trepidation. Her face paled, eyes flicking from Jenny to Espo to the vacant seat and back. She felt constricted, trapped, suddenly claustrophobic in the close packed crowd of friends around her. Staring at the empty seat again, she trembled as she took an involuntary step backwards from the table.

Lanie and Espo exchanged worried looks whilst Jenny gazed at her in concern. "Kate?"

"I…."

Castle chose that moment to arrive with a tray full of drinks, nearly losing them all as Kate stepped back onto his foot.

"Uh… Sorry."

Kate turned to allow him to pass, glancing at him wide-eyed and vacant. He noticed her unnerved demeanor and met Jenny's stunned expression.

"Kate?... What's up?" Castle turned to face her, alarmed.

"Nothing." Kate stammered. "I just….I"

"Here." Esposito, quickly comprehending the cause of her distress, had grabbed a spare chair and placed it at the head of the booth's table. Castle too had caught on and nodded at Espo gratefully as Kate sat down.

"Drinks." Castle announced, handing them out to the rest of the group who accepted them appreciatively.

"Thanks." Kate took her vodka and orange from Castle, avoiding touching his hand as she did so. Castle noticed but tactfully did not comment.

"Another round?" Kate stood from her rickety chair on wobbly legs and made for the bar, stumbling slightly as she negotiated the crowd. Castle followed her progress across the room with his eyes.

"Um…. How many has she had?" Ryan enquired timidly.

"Too many bro." Espo replied shaking his head slightly as he met Castle's eyes. "Too many."

Kate returned to the table a short time later, standing and holding onto the backrest of her chair whilst she downed the latest vodka. Castle sighed and stood up to speak with her.

"Kate…."

"What?"

Castle eyed the empty glass on the table in front of her.

"Don't you think you've had enough to drink?"

"What? No." She smiled at him reassuringly, although the look in her eyes threw daggers at his. "I'm fine Castle. Just unwinding a bit."

"Kate." Castle took a step toward her as Kate stepped back against the chair, stumbling and finally collapsing in an uncoordinated heap on the carpet.

Lanie and Castle were at her side immediately, helping her to her unsteady feet.

Kate observed the unsmiling faces regarding her from the table in addition to Lanie's glare and Castle's stern expression. She threw them an artificial grin.

"Hey guys lighten up! I'm fine. C'mon. It's Friday night!"

The silence from the table was deafening to Kate and she squirmed under the scrutiny of eight disapproving but concerned faces. Their looks were both of pity and comprehension and she did not miss the 'knowing' glance passed between Lanie and Castle.

"Will all of you just stop looking at me like that?" Kate's voice shook as she addressed the table, rising in volume with each word. "I'm fine, stop looking at me like I'm going to break."

"Kate….."

Castle moved to take her arm but she snatched it away from his reach.

"Kate I think it's time I took you home."

"No." She addressed the silent crowd at the table with an air of disgust. "I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with me. I don't want your goddamn pity!" Tears were running down Kate's cheeks now and she flicked them away angrily. "Stop it!." she yelled, both at herself and her audience.

She grinned at them then, an empty, lifeless grin that appeared totally inappropriate.

"It was just a bit of rough sex, that's all." Kate grinned again as Castle gasped in shock. "Kate!"

"No!" She gestured for Castle to be quiet as the others exchanged horrified looks. You could have heard a pin drop in the now silent bar.

Kate shrugged. "Just rough sex. Happened before, will probably happen again….. I'm FINE!"

Kate covered her face with her hands and broke into sobs. Lanie stood up and took one of Kate's arms, Castle on the other side as they helped her outside to the Ferrari.

"Need some help? You want me to come too?" Lanie inquired as Castle helped a sniffling Kate into his car.

"Thanks." Castle was grateful for her backup, feeling totally inadequate as Kate sobbed violently against his chest.

RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK

Tenifer is the metal coating used on glock pistols.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Thanks for all the reviews. **__** Sorry this has taken so long, had a busy couple of weeks at work and my other "Firefly" fic has been keeping me occupied.**_

_**I've noticed that spaces between my paragraphs keep disappearing after posting (wtf?) will try and go back and fix them up sometime.**_

_**This is basically just a fill in chapter. Hopefully I will get to update more of the angsty stuff next week.**_

_**Anyway, enjoy.**_

_**This fic is still rated a big fat **__**"M"**_

_**RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK**_

**From a Dark Place**

**Chapter 4**

"Here drink this."

Lanie handed Kate an effervescing glass of Berocca, which was accepted with still shaking hands.

"How are you feeling now?" Castle inquired gently, placing the newly emptied trashcan on the floor next to her.

"Um.." Kate took a tentative sip of her drink. "Better I think. Still a little queasy."

"You're dehydrated". Lanie chided "Drink some more of that and it will pass."

Kate took another sip and began to cough loudly. Castle was at her side in an instant with the trashcan dutifully offered to her. She took a deep breath and shivered, pushing the trashcan away weakly.

"I'm okay. Thanks." She eyed the two of them warily. "I'm sorry. I really am. You two shouldn't have to put up with me like this."

"You're sorry for being a legless drunk or for creating a scene to entertain everyone at the bar?" Lanie reprimanded.

"Both!" Kate bent forward with her face in her hands and began crying again as the memories surfaced. "Oh God. How could I have been so stupid!"

"Girl what were you thinking? Drinking that much? You trying to fry your liver or just pickle your brain?"

"I just wanted, just wanted to… forget for a while." Kate sobbed. "I just wanted to feel like me again. Like before."

"Like before you were abducted." Castle enquired cautiously.

Kate nodded. "I'm fine really, it's just sometimes I need… I need something to forget."

Castle sat down on the couch with her but shifted further along it to avoid crowding her. In his haste to maintain her personal space he kicked over the empty trashcan, which clanged loudly on the timber floor, causing Kate to jump and begin shaking again.

Cursing at the sudden loud noise Castle replaced the trashcan and sat facing her on the couch.

"Kate you're not fine. I know it; you know it and everyone at the bar tonight could see it. You're not fine – and you need help."

"Castle.."

"No!" He stopped her with an upheld palm. "You're not sleeping, not eating and you're drinking too much. It's not like you Kate. You can't go on living like this."

"He's right you know." Lanie agreed. "You know I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true but you're a mess Kate. You're not coping right now. You need help and there's no shame in admitting that."

"But I.."

"Dad?"

Alexis stumbled into the living room, apparently after having been roused from sleep by the falling trashcan.

"Is everything okay?" She stared at the scene on the couch, noticing with some alarm that Kate was crying.

"Dad?"

"Sorry pumpkin, were we being too noisy? Everything's fine." Castle smiled at her. "Go back to bed sweetie. In fact I think its time we all called it a night."

_**RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK**_

Castle knocked lightly on the door to Alexis's bedroom, making sure not to wake up Kate, who was in the guest room.

"Dad?"

"Hey sweetie, can I come in?"

"Sure Dad, what's up?"

Castle sat down on the edge of Alexis's bed as he considered what to say next.

"Um. I'm sorry about us waking you up last night. I should have been more careful."

"It's okay. What was wrong with Detective Beckett?"

"That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about. Kate's um.. Kate's been having a lot of problems lately."

"Because of what happened in February?" Alexis interrupted

Castle nodded glumly. "I told you about what happened to her didn't I?"

"Yeah."

"Well she's not been coping as well as she would like us to think." He stared at the floor, trying to hide from Alexis how much it was upsetting him. "She's not doing very well at all."

"Was she drunk last night?"

"Yes. She's been drinking way too much, not eating, not sleeping…" Castle shook his head sadly. "She spends hours at work without leaving the precinct. I just don't know what to do anymore." His voice dropped to almost a whisper. "I don't know how to help her."

"Oh Dad. You help her just by being there." Alexis picked up his hand and squeezed it lightly. "I'm sure she appreciates you caring, even if she can't tell you."

Castle smiled gratefully at her, proud of her maturity.

"Yes I hope she does, and that's what I really came to talk to you about. Dr Parish and I.., well we decided that it might be best if Kate stayed here for a while. She needs someone to make sure she eats and sleeps and to keep an eye on her drinking. I feel that…. I need to do something to help."

"I know you care about her Dad, but what happened in February was not your fault. Detective Beckett knows that."

"Well as long as you're okay with her staying here for a while…"

"Sure. It's fine Dad."

_**RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK**_


	5. Chapter 5

**Here is it.. the next update. Once again sorry its a bit slow. Thanks for the fantastic reviews. It really does keep me motivated to write more. **

**This chapter is really the nitty gritty of it all. Its dark and sad and kinda important. It sounds a little farfetched but its actually loosely based on an old case of mine so no too farfetched at all. **

**Warnings still apply - not for the kiddies...**

**RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK RKRKRKRKRK**

**From a Dark Place **

**Chapter 5**

August

"Thanks Castle. See you next week." Kate called as she hurried for the front door, shoes and handbag in hand.

"Beckett? What are you doing?"

"Castle what does it look like I'm doing? I'm going home."

"But…?"

"Look Castle, thanks for having my back last night. I know I was stupid, it certainly wasn't my finest hour… but I'm fine. I feel okay this morning and I really need to get home."

"But Kate you.."

"No." She interrupted, eyes flashing angrily. "You're not my babysitter Castle, you're not my father or my boyfriend. You do NOT get to tell me what to do."

Kate reached for the door handle but Castle blocked her, standing in between her and the escape route she so desired.

"No Kate, I may not be your father or your boyfriend and I know I can't force you into doing anything, but… but I care about you. You know that. We all do and we all hate seeing you like this."

"Seeing me like WHAT Castle? I'm not your goddamned pet project. I told you. I'm fine!"

"So it's perfectly normal for you to be a pathetic drunk discussing your sex life at the top of your voice to a crowded bar?"

"Castle please!"

Kate tried to push him aside to access the door but he prevented her with the bulk of his size.

"And its completely normal for a rape victim to be dismissing the incident as 'just rough sex' like she deserved it?"

"Castle!."

"..in front of a crowd of strangers?"

"Castle STOP!."

Kate stepped back and sobbed, dropping her eyes to stare at the carpet, her hair shielding her face from him. He froze, his hands hanging uselessly at his sides, unsure of whether she should initiate contact or even approach her.

"Look Kate I don't mean to upset you… I.."

"How DARE you use that word?"

Castle was perplexed. "What?"

"How DARE you refer to me as a 'rape victim'!" She spat. "How could you even SUGGEST that I deserved it!"

"What? That's ridiculous. I would never…." Castle found himself momentarily speechless.

"I HATE you Richard Castle. Stay the HELL out of my life!"

Kate moved for the door again.

"No Kate… Please! I didn't…" His voice was becoming so choked up he could barely speak.

"You know I would do anything for you Kate." He stifled a sob. "Why won't you let me help you?"

Castle stepped closer to her, reaching for her hand.

"I.."

"Don't touch me!" Kate screamed, yanking her hand back as though burned and taking a retreating step into the side of the sofa. "Please don't."

Castle stood frozen, his hand still outstretched.

"Sorry. Shit. I'm so sorry." Castle sat down on the sofa, defeated. "I just don't know what to do or say anymore." He sighed. "I wish I could make things right Kate but I can't. I'm… I'm sorry. I don't want to fight. Please sit down. Please?"

"I…." Kate eyed the sofa wearily, eventually sitting stiffly as far away from Castle as she could manage.

"Look I mean what I said before. I really don't want to fight with you and the last thing I want to do is make you upset."

Kate remained silent.

"Lanie and I talked last night and we… we agreed that it would be best if you stayed with one of us for a while."

"What?"

"Stayed here or with Lanie I mean. Just for a while. I don't think you should be spending so much time alone."

"You and Lanie conspiring against me! You two worry too much."

Kate was calmer now and Castle breathed a small sigh of relief.

"Yes we care about you. That's why we worry, and that's why we only want what's best for you…. So do you want to stay here? I've already spoken with Alexis, and the guest room is all made up."

"I appreciate your concern, I really do but I'm going home Castle. I just need some time. You don't need to worry about me" Kate stood up again, bag in hand.

"That's what Lanie thought you'd say. She also told me to tell you that if you don't agree to stay with one of us she's going to go talk with Gates."

"Gates?" She looked slightly panicky.

"Yeah. She's determined to give Gates her 'medical' opinion that you are unfit for duty and need some help."

"She wouldn't dare."

"Oh c'mon Kate. This is Lanie that we're talking about."

"Why would Gates even listen to her? She's not a cop."

"No, she's not a cop, but there were about a hundred of them at the 'Old Haunt' last night that would agree with her on this. Espo included."

"I'm really okay Castle. Why are you all ganging up on me all of a sudden?"

"We're not Kate. We all just want what's best for you, and we… I need to see you get better." Castle paused, unsure of how best to persuade her without agitating her further. "So what do you want to do? Stay with Lanie, or here?"

He awaited her response patiently, noting the hint of unease that had crept into her eyes.

"You're really going to make me do this?"

"Of course. And Lanie was dead serious about Gates."

"For how long?"

"Until we are satisfied that you really are 'fine'".

"Oh." Kate looked stunned, staring at her fingers in her lap. How long could this actually take? she thought. A few days and they will see that there is absolutely nothing to be concerned about.

"Then… here I guess. I don't fancy sharing Lanie's small apartment with Espo."

Kate attempted a small smile.

"That's quite understandable." Castle grinned.

RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK

"Dad?"

"Alexis? What's up?"

"Detective Beckett's screaming in her sleep. I can hear it through the wall. Um.. Should we wake her up or something?"

"Go back to sleep pumpkin. I'll deal with it."

Castle sat up and rubbed his face wearily, trying to push the remnants of whatever dream he was having away. He quickly put his bathrobe on and went to Kate's room. Standing outside he could hear her sobbing incessantly and tapped on the closed door.

"Kate? Kate can I come in?"

There was no reply and Castle opened the door cautiously. "Kate? Kate are you okay?" Castle switched the light on and the room was suddenly bathed in the too-bright light. Castle blinked and sat on the edge of the bed next to a trembling Kate.

"Hey. What's going on?"

"What does it look like Castle?" Kate shook violently. "Please go away."

"You were having a nightmare weren't you?" he asked gently as she began to blink and covered her eyes from the irritating light.

Kate shook her head, tears leaking out from between the fingers over her eyes, but then trembling she sighed and nodded slightly.

"It was awful Castle." She sobbed. "It was just so awful."

"Kate I…" Castle reached out to take her hand but then thought the better of it and picked up a spare blanket instead. He draped it over her shivering shoulders.

"Kate?"

Castle waited until she lifted her head to meet his eyes. She looked terrified and it tore him up inside to see her feeling like that. Her expression was one of doubt, fear almost, as though she were afraid he would be disgusted by her show of emotion.

"Do you want to talk about it? I mean I'm here if you want to…. But you don't have to."

"I…. I can't. I'm sorry. It was just…" She covered her face in her hands again, crying quietly into them.

"Was it about… was it about what happened in February?" Castle enquired apprehensively.

Kate nodded. "I think I'm….." She inhaled slowly in an attempt to make her voice more even. "The truth is I'm…. I'm not doing as well after all Castle. I'm sorry." Her eyes met his, begging for his forgiveness and he felt himself crumbling. How could those bastards have made her so vulnerable? She should not have to be feeling guilty like this.

"Can I… Is it okay if I come and sit next to you?" Castle did not want to make her feel anxious again.

"Please." She lifted the blanket off one of her shoulders as an invitation for him to join her. He took the hint gladly and sat close to her on the bed, their shoulders touching with the blanket wrapped around both of them. Castle could feel her shaking and wanted to hold her but thought it wise not to push things.

"Have you been having nightmares since February?"

"On and off. I can't seem to get any decent sleep."

"Ive noticed. You look exhausted all the time."

"I can't seem to eat either. It just makes me feel sick afterwards. I can't seem to keep anything down."

"Oh Kate." Castle stared at her sadly. "You should have said something. You need help. I think you should see a therapist."

"They raped me Castle." Kate admitted timidly. Her voice sounded so tiny and hesitant. "I couldn't stop them." She sobbed. "They held me down and took turns and then… Oh god Castle… "

"Kate…"

"I'm so sorry. I just couldn't." She turned and buried her face in his chest. Her tears warm against his skin through the bathrobe. She sobbed violently and he wrapped his arms around her, rocking slightly, surprised by her sudden willingness to talk.

"Kate! You have nothing to be sorry for. None of what's happened is your fault."

"I'm a mess Castle. I've turned into a blubbering mess. I'm not me anymore."

He lifted her chin gently so she was forced to meet his eyes and see the sincerity and love in his expression.

"You're still Kate. You're just having a hard time at the moment. You've experienced things that nobody should ever have to go through but no matter what's happened to you, no matter what they took from you you're still Kate. No one can take that away from you." She tried to lower her face but he held her chin preventing her from looking away.

"You're still Kate. You're still the Kate I love and I will help you through this no matter how long it takes. Trust me on that."

"I do. I do trust you." She sniveled against him. "I don't know why you put up with me like this, I'm either a blubbering mess or pathetic drunk."

"You're not a pathetic drunk Kate, you've been drinking too much lately but you are not a drunk. Was last night the first time that had happened?"

"No."

"Oh Kate.. why? Why do that to yourself?" Castle chided, but there was no judgment in his tone, only concern.

"I just wanted to forget for a while. I needed to… I'm so scared Castle." She sighed, defeat and exhaustion in her tone.

"I'm always so scared and I just wanted to feel normal again for a while."

"What makes you feel scared?"

"Everything!" Kate almost screamed. "I have nightmares all the time. I'm scared of people touching me, I'm scared of the smell of cigarettes…" She wrung the sheet between her hands in frustration. "I'm scared of crowded places and I'm scared of… scared of guns." She admitted finally.

"Guns?" Castle was confused. "Why guns?"

"I… Uh.. I" She bit her lip and closed her eyes, fighting off tears again.

"It's okay. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to." Castle was afraid of scaring her off from opening up to him again. He knew that they were making progress but didn't want to push her too far too fast.

"Does it have something to do with what happened at the range the other day?" He inquired softly.

She nodded again. "I couldn't do it… I had a flashback and I couldn't." Kate felt her stomach heave and paused, her hand covering her mouth. "It made me feel sick."

"Was it the noise?"

"No. It was…" She took a deep breath and stared at the sheet in her hands, once again wringing it between them in her distress.

"After they'd finished with me I was sitting there on the mattress crying. I had been…numb while it was happening; while they held me down I was just completely numb, disconnected. But afterwards I was just sitting there, completely naked and cold and… it hurt Castle, it was over and I couldn't do anything and I was bleeding and it really hurt. They sat there and smoked and laughed at me sitting there crying."

Castle felt his fists clench in anger, his hands beginning to shake. He forced himself to remain calm while she continued, torn between wanting to hear the end of her account and wanting to cover his ears and yell, terrified to hear any more.

"Eventually one of them came over and offered me a puff of his cigarette. I tried to burn him with it and spat at him, so the other one hit me with my gun. I raised my hand to try and defend myself and it cut my wrist.."

Even in his current state of devastation Castle could not help feeling proud of her.

"You fought back Kate. You blindsided them and showed them that you're not weak. I'm really proud of you."

"There's more….." Kate swallowed. "After he hit me with the gun he pushed me… he pushed me back on the mattress and then he… oh god, he used the gun and he… he forced it… he…. Castle he raped me with the gun."

Castle stared at her, speechless and horrified as she broke into noisy sobs.

"I have never been in so much pain in my life. I just kept screaming and screaming and he wouldn't stop it and there was so much blood…"

Castle felt his stomach lurch and looked for the trash can again. This was worse, far worse than anything he could possibly have imagined and he felt sick, almost faint with the images that were running through his head. He realized that this would account for the hemorrhaging and the surgery she required. How could she have possibly trivialized the incident as 'just rough sex'?

"Jesus Kate… I …."

"Eventually I must have passed out. I don't remember anything else, then they were gone and I got dressed again and you were there sometime later."

Castle pulled her back into his chest and let her sob against him. He felt completely inadequate, appalled by what she had just told him but with no idea what to say to her. She had suffered beyond belief and he inwardly cursed himself for not having taken action to help her sooner.

The silence between them was only broken with Kate's occasional sob and Castle let her take her time, expelling as much of her grief as possible until she began to hiccough against him.

"It scares me now Castle. My new gun, it scares me and makes me feel ill. I could barely even touch it the other day."

"Kate.."

"And smoke, the smell of smoke scares me. It takes me back to that place… sitting there crying on the mattress. I'm scared of smoke and guns and crowds, I can't stand anyone touching me and…God Castle. I'm such a mess… I'm even scared

of.. of getting my period."

Castle looked puzzled and Kate smirked in embarrassment before her thoughts darkened again.

"Blood… it makes me think of that day. It makes me feel nauseated….Sorry Castle. I didn't mean to mortify you with girlie stuff."

Kate grinned as Castle mocked at humming and placing his hands over his ears.

"Seriously. You can tell me anything Kate. Anything that you feel comfortable with. I'm here for you. I'm here to listen and to hug you and to provide a broad chest for you to cry on. I want to make the nightmares go away."

RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK RKRKRKRKRKRKRK

To be continued...


	6. Chapter 6

**From a Dark Place**

**Chapter 6**

**August**

Kate knocked timidly on the doorframe, waiting for Gates to acknowledge her. She took a deep breath and tried to still her shaking hands, wringing them together repeatedly. This was not a meeting she was looking forward to and she wished she could have brought Castle in with her for backup.

"Detective Beckett. What can I do for you?" Gates motioned for her to enter and watched silently as she sat awkwardly on the chair facing her desk.

"I.. Um… I wanted to talk to you about taking some time off Sir. I feel like… I've been thinking that maybe I…"

"You're talking about what happened Friday night I assume?" Gates was straight to the point.

"Sir?" Kate's stomach lurched- just exactly how much _had_ Gates heard?  
"I hear it was quite a performance, apparently you created rather a stir."

Kate bit her lip and swallowed. Gates had heard everything, knew about the drunken scene she had made. How could she have been so stupid!

"Sir I think I need to explain."

"Save it Detective!"

Kate stiffened in her seat as Gates's voice rose. She hoped the older woman could not see her shaking and grasped her hands together in her lap defensively.

"Look Kate- I'm not going to waste my breath giving you a lecture on alcohol abuse. From what I understand, Friday's performance was totally out of character for you and that is what concerns me more. How are you really doing? I can't have you working in this office if you are becoming unstable."

"I'm doing…" Kate sighed. "I actually haven't been doing so well lately." She admitted meekly. Why was it so incredibly hard to speak out and tell Gates the truth.

"I've had problems with sleeping, I get flashbacks and I feel nauseated a lot of the time." Kate felt herself beginning to tear up and her voice became quieter and quieter. "I'm really not coping and I'm… I'm scared."

Gates wordlessly handed her a tissue and gave her a few seconds to compose herself.

"Quite frankly I'm not surprised you're struggling." Gates placed a cardboard 'special victims' case file onto the desk between them. "I read the full report on your abduction this morning and I'm amazed, astounded, you got this far after such an experience."

Kate stared at the case file and swallowed. Her full and confidential account of the incident was in that file, and now Gates was privy to every excruciating detail.

"Sir.."

"It's okay Kate, I have no intention of sharing this with anyone else without your permission."

Kate breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you."

"But I have to ask you, does anyone else know about this?" Gates tapped lightly on the case file. "Have you talked to anyone about it? Lanie Parish? Dr Burke? Castle?"

"Only Castle… I talked to him about it, but only last night. No one else."

Gates looked surprised. "You told him everything? Including how you are feeling now?"

Kate nodded and smirked slightly. "He kind of forced me to."

"Good. I'm pleased that you have someone to talk to. Someone you trust." Gates looked impressed.

"Actually that's why I'm here today. I think I should take some time off. I'm exhausted, both emotionally and physically and I think I need to take some time…"

Gates waved her hand dismissively. "Its not a problem. I just wish you had asked for it sooner. God knows.. I would have."

"Thank you. I would also like to see Dr Burke again. If that's okay I mean…?"

"I'll have him contact you at home."

"Um… Actually.. I'm going to be staying with Castle for a while." Kate stammered and Gates looked intrigued.

"And his mother and daughter." Kate said hurriedly. "I just don't want to be home alone."

RKRKRKRKRKRK

"So how'd it go with Gates?" Castle inquired hesitantly as Kate let herself into the loft.

"Good… and bad." Kate replied perplexingly. "She knew about what I did on Friday."

"Oh." Castle handed her a coffee and sat down on the couch.

"But she let me have time off – she was unexpectedly supportive actually…. " Kate hesitated. "Castle she read my case file, all of it."

"Oh." Castle repeated dumbly. "How do you feel about that?"

"Humiliated, ashamed, a little angry maybe… but also kind of relieved. It's weird; she was sympathetic but didn't treat me like I was fragile or unstable. She didn't try to patronize me. She promised to keep it to herself."

"Great. And Dr Burke?"

"Gates is setting it up for me."

RKRKRKRKRKRKRK

Kate eyed the scar on the back of her wrist as she bent over to lace up her running shoes. It had been weeks since she had attempted a workout and both her body and mind were suffering for it. Dr Burke had stressed to her how important it was for her recovery to maintain her health and she decided that it was time to make the effort.

The cool afternoon breeze swept through her sweaty ponytail as she ran through the park. Devoted couples holding hands and families with happy children playing surrounded her. Everywhere people were out enjoying the sunny afternoon, seemingly untroubled and cheerful in their circumstances.

Kate watched them longingly as she passed. She felt cut off, excluded from the comfortable worlds that the happy people shared, free of traumatic memories and pain clouding their lives. Would she ever be able to feel like that again?

She ran harder, every step pounding into the pavement an expression of her anger at the cards she had been dealt. Increasing her speed she ran harder still, punishing herself, stopping only at the entrance to Castle's building where sheer exhaustion caused her to double over and gasp for breath, leaning against the wall for support.

As her breathing began to slow Kate became aware of two men sitting on one of the benches nearby on the sidewalk, snippets of their conversation as well as puffs of their cigarette smoke wafting her way. Still breathing quickly she rummaged around in her pocket in search of her key. The smell of cigarette smoke became stronger and she found her hands fumbling, trembling to the extent that she could not seem to grasp her keys. Dropping them to the ground she cursed and crouched to retrieve them, her hands coming into contact with the cold concrete beneath her. Kate coughed and her world began to spin, her aching muscles turning cold and clammy. She shook violently and collapsed onto the ground on her butt. Without understanding how it had happened she was suddenly back there, in the warehouse cold and naked, sobbing uncontrollably as her captors smoked and taunted her.

"Hey. Are you okay?"

A hand touched her shoulder and she started, jumping up and flinging her arm back in a defensive gesture.  
"GET AWAY FROM ME!" Kate screamed.

"Sorry Miss Beckett, I didn't mean to alarm you."

The shocked face of Castle's doorman startled her back to the present and she sobbed into her hands, ashamed of herself.

"Miss Beckett? Are you sick?"

Still sobbing Kate pushed her way past the doorman and into the building, she could still smell the smoke and knew she was on the verge of another panic attack. As the elevator reached Castle's loft she fought to compose herself, the safety of Castle's apartment was in sight – she was going to make it. Cursing herself again for leaving her keys abandoned on the sidewalk she was surprised to see Castle's door opening for her.

"Kate?" Castle looked at her alarmed. "What happened?"

"I…. I left my keys downstairs.." Kate sobbed.

"I know. The doorman just phoned. You gave him quite a scare. What happened?"

"Please…. I just…" Kate pushed past him and into the apartment, leaving him standing frozen in the doorway.

"Kate?"

She replied by shaking her head, hiding her face in her hair.

"Will you be okay for a minute? I'll just go and get the keys." Castle was unsure of whether to leave her alone or not. Kate nodded, concentrating on her breathing like Dr Burke had taught her. In … out… In… out.

Castle was back by her side a few seconds later, she had not even heard him return to the apartment.

"Kate?" He sat next to her and touched her hand gently, eyes full of concern, willing her to look at him.

"Sorry." Kate finally met his eyes and he could see the remnants of panic there, tears still brimming her eyes.

"Flashback?"

Kate nodded. "The worst."

"Want to talk about it?"

"I can't stop shaking…. My hands, it just wont stop." Kate looked at him pleadingly.

"Is there anything I can do? What helps?"

"Scotch." She whispered embarrassed. "It's the only thing that stops it."

"Kate." Castle looked pained. "I can't. I can't let you do that."

"I know. I just.. I just want this to be over. I thought I was getting better….I just want to feel normal again. When will I feel normal again?"

"I'm sorry Kate. I'm so sorry all of this had to happen to you." Castle leaned forward and unknowingly placed his hand on her shoulder in a similar gesture to that of the doorman.

"Don't." Kate stiffened and stood up, taking a step back from Castle fearfully. He could see the apprehension in her face and wanted to kick himself for being so careless.

"I'm cold." Kate was still shaking and stared at the floor, unwilling to face the hurt in Castle's eyes that she knew she had caused.

"I need to take a shower." Castle could see goose bumps on her skin.

"Will you be okay in there?"

Kate nodded.

"Keep the door open a crack. I promise I wont look."

A few minutes later Kate returned to the kitchen, looking warmer and considerably calmer. Castle greeted her with a hot chocolate and a smile.

"Feeling better?"

"A little." Kate smiled at him weakly, accepting the hot chocolate. "Thanks."

Castle drank his hot chocolate and contemplated her silently, wanting to give her space but also a chance to talk if she felt like it.

"Sorry" Kate spoke finally. "I didn't mean to go all…. I didn't mean to push you away like that."

"Kate it's okay."

"No. You're the only one I trust and I don't think I could have gotten this far without you. I'm sorry. Please don't take it to heart."

"Do you want to talk about what happened?"

"No. But I think maybe I should. You didn't deserve that. Thank you for being so understanding."

"Kate.."

"I don't deserve you." Kate stalled.

"Kate what happened?" Castle met her eyes, waiting patiently.

"It was… I was cooling down on the street after my run and…" Kate took a deep breath. "There was a couple of guys smoking and I just.. I just couldn't." Her emotions made her unable to speak and she shrugged helplessly.

"So it was the smell of the smoke?"

Kate nodded. "It just took me back. I was back there and…" her voice became a whisper. "I was naked and cold and they were laughing at me." She looked up at Castle pleadingly as though she was afraid he was going to be angry at her. "The doorman came and touched me and I just freaked out and ran."

"Oh Kate." Castle resisted the urge to hug her.

"I feel sick."

Kate got up and bolted for the bathroom but was back in only a few moments. Looking sheepish.

"Sorry. False alarm. I'm okay."

Castle waited whilst she sat down and composed herself again.

"And then.. and then I was sitting here and you touched me and I'm so sorry I just freaked out…. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry, I do trust you."

"I know Kate. It's fine really." Castle reached out to take her hand but then stopped and waited for her to reach out for his. She took his hand gratefully, as though it were a lifeline.

"Thank you. I can't imagine going through this without you." Her voice had dropped to a whisper.

"I'm here Kate. I'll always be here. Always. For as long as you need me… or.." He grinned. "Or until you kick me to the curb that is."

Kate managed a small smile and squeezed his hand.  
"But Kate you have to be patient with me." His expression was affectionate but serious.

"I mean I never know how best to support you, what you need. I want to help you Kate but you have to let me." He lifted her chin so she was forced to meet his gaze.

"You have to tell me what you feel comfortable with and what you don't. I never know if it's okay to touch you. I feel helpless. The last thing I want is to scare you like I did today again. Please Kate."

"I'll tell you. I'll let you know."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

"Good." Castle grinned.

"Thanks for being there Castle."

"Always."


	7. Chapter 7

_**Here it is...the next chapter. One or maybe two to go. Enjoy!**_

**From a Dark Place**

**Chapter 7**

_January_

_Dr Burke's Office_

"So how are you feeling since we last spoke Kate? Have the nightmares become less frequent?"

"I haven't been waking everyone up screaming anymore.. so I guess that's an improvement."

"But you're still having them?"

"On and off. Castle thinks it's getting better. Apparently I don't take swings at him in my sleep anymore."

"So you're sleeping with him now?"

Kate felt herself redden. "No.. I mean yes. We um.. share a bed but that's just because I find the nightmares aren't so severe when he's next to me. If it gets too bad he wakes me up and holds me until I calm down."

"That's a pretty big step. Trusting someone enough to sleep with you and hold you. You've come along way Kate."

"Yeah." She felt herself smile slightly, proud at the small yet significant accomplishments she had made.

"How are you going with other people? Are you still afraid of physical contact?"

"I really haven't tried." Kate stammered. "I've been avoiding it as much as possible."

"It's been almost a year Kate." Dr Burke chided, but not unkindly. "Do you think its time to begin challenging that comfort zone a little more?"

"I.. Uh… I'm not sure I can."

"Why?"

"I'm still.. It still scares me. I feel panicky and sick. I can't bear anyone touching me." Kate sighed in defeat. "Not even my female friends. I know its ridiculous but I can't even bear that."

"But you let Castle touch you."

"Yes."

"So why is he different?"

"I…. I guess its because we've been through so much together before. We've been friends for four years… He's always been… protective of me." Kate could feel her tears brimming as she thought of his loyalty and wiped them away quickly. "I guess I just trust Castle more than anyone else. I feel very safe when I'm with him."

"But not safe enough to let yourself get into a physical relationship with him?"

"It's not that. I feel safe…I'm just not ready."

"Why not? You wanted it before."

Kate shrugged. "I'm not sure."

Dr Burke tilted his head and studied her closely, waiting for a more truthful response.

"Ok. I guess I'm still afraid." She admitted.

"What are you afraid of?"

"I'm um…" She stared off into the distance and bit her lip deep in thought. What was she really afraid of?

"Think about it Kate. Try and determine what it is exactly that you are afraid of."

Kate nodded numbly. Her emotions still confusing her.

"Did you manage to do what we talked about last time?"

Kate shook her head, staring at the table in front of them.

"So you still haven't talked about what happened to you with anyone else?"

"I… I can't. I get too emotional. I'm a total wreck just thinking about talking about it."

"But you've confided in Castle."

"I don't feel like I have to hide anything from him."

"They're your friends Kate. Sharing the burden with your friends is a step towards recovery. You have to start trusting people. It helps. Go on… try it."

RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK

"Hey Lanie."

"Hey Girl. Whatsup!" Lanie looked up from the forms she was busy signing. "Great to see you back on deck." She rose from her chair intending to give her friend a hug but Kate stepped back quickly and Lanie tactfully pretended not to notice.

"So you back with us for good now?"

"Its.. just desk duties for now. I still have to do my shooting requals and a fitness assessment."

"Like you're going to have problems with either of those." Lanie replied, sarcasm evident in her voice.

"Yeah. We'll see."

"So you still staying with writerboy? Sold your apartment yet?"

"Haha." Kate rolled her eyes.

"Oh c'mon Kate. You know its only a matter of time." She grinned. "I'll bet he's been treating you like a princess."

"He has.."

Lanie's phone rang, interrupting their banter and she frowned at it. "Better go get that."

"Yeah." Kate hesitated, nervously fingering a case file that Lanie had just noticed she was holding.

"What's that?"

"Its… Uh.." She pushed the file into Lanie's bewildered hands quickly. "Read it… I'll call you later." Kate waved at her as she almost ran from the room.

RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK

A loud knock on the front door interrupted Castle's manic typing as he hurried to put all of his jumbled thoughts into words.

"Hey Lanie." Castle answered the door cheerfully, pleased to see their visitor.

"Is she home?"

"Lanie what's wrong? What is it?" Castle noticed that Lanie had been crying. He stepped aside inviting her to come in.

"Is Kate home?"

"Yeah she's in the shower. Are you okay?"

Lanie wordlessly handed Castle a case file. He paused for a second as he read the name on the cover.

"Oh." Understanding dawned on him quickly. No wonder Lanie was so upset.

"I um…. Did she give you this?"

Lanie nodded.

"Sit down." Castle gestured to the couch before taking a seat opposite her.

"Are you okay?" He inquired gently.

Lanie nodded again.

"I just.." she stared at the file. "I had no idea it was so…. bad. Why the hell didn't she say…" Her gaze shifted to Castle and she stared at him defiantly. "How long have you known about this?"

"Since the night she got drunk." Castle admitted guiltily. "She made me promise to keep it to myself. I'm sorry."

Lanie regarded him tearfully. "No." She shook her head. "Don't be sorry.. I'm just so grateful my girl has someone like you. Someone she trusts… someone who loves her and looks out for her."

"I try." Castle smiled weakly. "I do try."

"Hey Lanie." Kate emerged in a tracksuit, still damp from her shower. She saw the file sitting on the coffee table and swallowed. She had expected Lanie to be upset but her appearance in Castle's living room was unanticipated.

"You read it?"

Lanie nodded at her sadly. "Oh Kate, I'm so sorry. You should have talked to me." Lanie enveloped Kate in an awkward hug. Kate stiffened, but did not pull away Castle noted somewhat proudly.

"I would have.. I was just so ashamed." Kate admitted. "I felt so helpless. Like I couldn't look after myself and I didn't want people to know it. I didn't want you to think I was weak."

"Oh Honey. No one could ever think that you were weak. Look at how you fought back at them! It was a courageous move."

"Yeah and look at where it got me." Kate grimaced, "Hundreds of stitches and reconstructive surgery… I should have just given up and let them get it over with."

"No. You should be proud of what you did Kate." Castle interjected. "Your courage is what makes you .. you."

Kate was silent, pondering on that whilst Lanie prattled on, alternating between uttering expletives and words of sympathy.

"Javi told me you had trouble at the range last time. You didn't want to hold your gun. Is this the reason?" She inquired gently, gesturing at the file.

"Yes." Kate admitted. "Just the sight of it makes me feel ill. I don't know how I am ever going to be able to do it again."

"Does Javi know about this?"

"No. Of course not." Kate couldn't stomach the thought of the boys knowing the specifics of her ordeal.

"You should tell him. He helped you after you were shot. Maybe he can help you again."

"I will." Kate replied firmly, trying to convince herself that she would actually do what Lanie suggested. "Just not.. yet…"


	8. Chapter 8

From a Dark Place

Chapter 8

_March_

Kate sat lounging on the sofa, mesmerized by the draft of Castle's latest bestseller-to-be that she had finally been granted permission to read. She was momentarily distracted as the front door opened and Alexis entered, new 'boyfriend' in tow.

"Hey Alexis"

"Hey Kate." Alexis grinned and gestured to her male companion. "This is Max. Max, this is my Dad's partner, Kate."

"Hello Kate. I've heard a lot about you." Max smiled and offered her his hand, no doubt hoping to earn brownie points for politeness with Alexis's dad.

"Uh.. Nice to meet you." Kate stared at his outstretched hand wearily but made no move to take it.

"Whatcha reading?"

Max leaned over casually in an attempt to view the document in question.

"Its…Uh…"

Quite suddenly Kate froze, her sharp intake of breath sounding unusually loud in the unexpected silence.

"Kate?" Alexis stared at her in alarm as the printed sheaf of pages fell from Kate's lifeless hands and scattered on the floor in a disorganized jumble.

"Kate?"

She had moved to the other end of the sofa, her arms wrapped around her trembling knees and her head bowed as she attempted to control her breathing.

Alexis looked on helplessly, unsure of what she could do to help. She grabbed her phone and speed dialed her father.

"Dad?"

"Alexis? What's up?" Castle was unnerved by the urgency in her voice.

"Kateshavingapanicattack."

"What? Slow down."

"Kates' having a panic attack and I don't know what I should do."

"Oh." Castle swore into the phone. "Is she there with you? Don't leave her alone."

"It's okay Alexis." Kate spoke up weakly from the couch. "I'm okay."

Alexis passed the handset over to Kate who fumbled with it in shaky fingers.

"Kate! What the hell happened."

"It's nothing really." She glanced at Alexis and her boyfriend. "I'm fine."

"Did you have another flashback?"

Castle fought to keep the disappointment out of his voice. It had been two months since her last panic attack and he had hoped she had finally gotten past them.

"Yes. I'm okay really. I'm dealing with it. I'm fine."

"Do you want me to come home? I can get on a flight tonight."

"No Castle." Kate laughed softly. "Don't be ridiculous. I have Alexis here with me and Martha will be home tonight. I'm sure I can cope without you for another day."

"Okay. You know you can call me at anytime. Even if it's the middle of the night."

"Thanks Castle."

Kate handed the phone back to Alexis who had a short conversation with her father before hanging up and glancing back at Kate, who still looked deathly pale.

"Um.. Is there anything I can do?" Alexis stammered.

"No." Kate shook her head. "Just give me a few minutes."

Kate placed her hand over her nose and mouth and shut her eyes, composing herself.

"Alexis have you been smoking?"

"No." She looked over at Max uneasily. "I haven't. I mean it wasn't…."

"It's okay Alexis. I'm not mad. You're not in any trouble." Kate replied more calmly. "I can smell it, that's all."

"It was me actually." Max piped up. "Alexis was just standing next to me. She didn't smoke anything."

"Was that it? Was it the smell that upset you?" Alexis looked horribly guilty.

"I.. Um I think I should go." Max made his way to the door and Alexis stood to let him out.

"Sorry to scare your new boyfriend away." Kate apologized weakly as Alexis returned to the couch. "I'm sure my behavior made quite an impression on him. He must think I'm crazy."

"No. It's no problem. I told him you were a cop and had been injured on the job. If he can't deal with a little dose of reality then I don't want him around me."

"All the same, it's ruined your afternoon. Did you have plans? I will be okay if you want to go out."

"You're more important than my plans Detect…. I mean Kate. I'm happy to stay home with you. Did you want to watch a movie or something? Keep your mind occupied for a while?"

"I'll be fine Alexis. Just don't come too close to me. You smell like you've been in a bar or something."

"Oh." Alexis glanced down at herself and sniffed her shirt. "Oh, sorry. I'll go change."

When Alexis returned a few minutes later Kate had resumed her reading and was looking more relaxed.

"Better?" Alexis grinned.

"Yeah much." Kate returned her smile sheepishly. "Sorry about that. I was hoping I'd gotten over the flashbacks."

"Smells can generate the strongest memories."

"You're not wrong about that." Kate shuddered. "Memories I still can't quite deal with yet."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure." Kate replied hesitantly, wondering where this was heading.

"Why did this affect you so much?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, a few years ago you were shot and almost died, and yet you carried on like nothing happened, like you were fine. Then last year you get beaten up and you're still recovering. Why? Is there something that Dad or I should be doing to help you? Is Dad's coddling making things worse? Is he making you talk about it too much?"

"No… Um.." Kate pondered on how best to explain. "Firstly I wasn't fine at all after I was shot. You weren't seeing as much of me then so you wouldn't have noticed but I was really struggling to barely stay afloat. I tried to hide it from everyone, including your father, but eventually I realized that by keeping it all in I was actually making things worse. I never really moved on until I was able to deal with it all and I'm still dealing with it I guess… in some ways." Kate's voice drifted off.

"And what happened to me last year.. well that was so much…worse" Kate found herself tearing up as the memories engulfed her. "I've never felt so helpless and so… so.. disgusted with myself in my whole life. I'm supposed to be able to look after myself and yet I couldn't stop them from touching me. I don't think I've ever been so scared - or so ashamed before."

Alexis looked confused. "They touched you?"

Kate flinched. "I guess that's one way to put it."

"You mean they…"

Kate's eyes widened as it dawned on her. Alexis apparently hadn't been told the full story.

"I was raped Alexis. I'm sorry, I thought your Dad had already told you."

"But…" Alexis looked stunned. "I… I had no idea. Dad, he told me that you had been abducted and beaten up. He didn't tell me…. Shit!" Alexis swore in a very uncharacteristic manner. "I'm so sorry. That's awful. I didn't… God. I shouldn't have made you talk about it. That's just… unimaginable."

"It's okay. I ought to be able to cope with talking about it by now. I'm really sorry about this Alexis."

"Sorry about what?"

"All of this." Kate shrugged for emphasis. "I mean… I'm intruding on your space, the nightmares, getting drunk…. scaring your boyfriend."

Alexis grinned. "Not my boyfriend…..yet! And it's fine. I really don't mind having you around. Dad is less-you know, stressed out when he knows your okay."

"Yeah." Kate looked glum. "I bet I've stressed him out now. I was so sure I was doing better. I haven't been having as many nightmares, I've been seeing a therapist. I'd really hoped I was over all this."

Alexis was momentarily amazed by Kate's sudden willingness to confide in her.

"I guess it will just take more time. It sounds like you're doing everything right."

"Yeah." Kate chewed her lower lip thoughtfully. "Maybe just more time…"

/


End file.
